Wherever You Go

There You Are

I’ve been thinking a lot about the title of a John Kabat-Zinn book,

“Wherever you go, there you are”.

Maybe it’s because I am getting ready to move. I can’t imagine not living in NYC anymore. I feel like New York City gives me my heartbeat. I feel an entirely different energy in New York that is irreplaceable. I moved to New York thirty years ago. I’ve lived here longer than I’ve lived anywhere else. I immediately fell in love with the city. I felt like I was always meant to be in the Big Apple. I can’t even believe how I was able to navigate the city after moving from a small town in Idaho; and this was before computers, iPhones, internet and google maps. I just felt right at home; and let the energy of the city take me places I’d never imagine I’d go. I’m not just talking about geographically; but also in my life trajectory.

I discovered yoga in my theater classes at NYU. I definitely hadn’t planned on being a yoga teacher when I moved to New York City. I was passionate about becoming an actress. I’m so grateful I followed my intuition and kept teaching in addition to auditioning. I eventually noticed that teaching yoga was really what I wanted to be doing full time. I let my heart lead the way and amazing opportunities kept coming my way. I could have never gotten to this place in my career had I not been in New York. Yoga, meditation and NYC has shaped me into the person I am today.

So how do I know I’ll be ok now that I am leaving this place I’ve called home for so many years? I go back to what Kabat-Zinn says in his book on mindfulness. The whole idea of “Wherever you go, there you are” is that our relationship with ourselves is what is most important. By cultivating presence in each moment we can observe ourselves without judgment and learn to love ourselves fully as we are. If we can find this internal self love, it will support us no matter where we are.

In my many years of teaching, I’ve witnessed people trying to escape their circumstances. I’ve seen many miserable people living in mansions. I’ve seen people who seem to have it all; and yet it still isn’t enough. On the flip side I know very content people living in small apartments. I have a neighborhood friend who is happy in his wheelchair greeting everyone on the streets all day long. Once our basic needs are met; after a certain amount of money, one doesn’t necessarily get happier with more. We want to cultivate a rich inner life, regardless of how wealthy our outer life may be. Now, I am wondering if NYC gave me my heartbeat or just helped me uncover what was already there inside of me.

I can only hope my spiritual practice has brought me to a place in my life where I can truly live anywhere. I can be with myself fully, and present with those I love. I know it won’t be easy, or a walk in the park, especially at first; but that is the beauty of mindfulness. Kabbat-Zinn reminds us that it is “the quality of mind we bring into situations which determines our fate, rather than the situations themselves.” It’s the whole idea of “I get to” as opposed to “I have to”; or that things are happening for us, not to us.

I’ll miss NYC tremendously. I just started crying even as I wrote these words; but NYC lives inside of me. All of my experiences in this incredible city have shaped me into the person I am today: and she isn’t going anywhere, just changing her location.