Who's to Blame?

No one ever is to Blame

There is a Chinese Proverb that says, “The man who blames others has a long way in his journey to go. The man who blames himself is half way there. The man who blames no one has already arrived.” I’ve been thinking about this quote lately; as I’ve had two major life changes in the past three years that have impacted me in a huge way. There were many times I was tempted to do the blame game; yet if there is one thing I’ve learned through my divorce and my job transition, is that no one ever is to blame (that phrase reminds me of the Howard Jones song that was popular in the 80’s).

We are all humans doing the best we can. People have their varying perspectives; and in every situation, the best point of view we can take is one of empowerment. If we fall into blaming others for our circumstances, we become victims. It is no fun to stay in victim mode. Yes we may have all had injuries or insults and it sucks; but it is up to us to move on from them at some point. It obviously can take some time to grieve and process the pain that happened, we just can’t get buried in it. We can’t control how others are going to treat us; but we can control how we are going to react. We can only learn from hurtful experiences and learn to gravitate towards people who have more empathy.

I had some pretty traumatic things happen during my marriage as well as after I filed. For many years I blamed myself for everything. I couldn’t understand what was happening or why. I’d constantly second guess myself and doubt myself. Blaming ourselves is almost as bad as blaming everyone else. I’ve done a lot of self reflection and meditation (and studying about gaslighting) to work on developing a better relationship with myself. I also feel very empowered every time I step on my yoga mat. I love to teach and I love to move. Movement has helped (and continues to help) me process things and turn my inner critic into an inner loving guide.

Blaming others can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and hatred. Those feelings have very low vibrations. Who wants to live in a low energy, bitter state? Blaming ourselves can lead to low self-esteem, self-hate and shame. Shame has one of the lowest vibrations of all. It’s definitely no fun walking around feeling ashamed of ourselves.

I have seven year old twins and I listen to them argue. “You started it.” “No you started it.” “It’s all your fault.” “NO, it’s all YOUR fault.” On and on they’ll go and you can see where this gets them, nowhere. We can end up the rest of our lives going back and forth: but it was this, no it was that, no it was you, no it was them. It really serves no one any good. We see this happening all of the time in politics. It is sad to see people becoming more and more divisive. When it happens in sports, there is a referee who steps in and just makes a call. After that, the teams just have to move on and keep playing regardless of whether it was to their advantage or not.

Since we aren’t on a playing field, we have to step in and be our own referee. And when we just make a call and decide to move on, we feel empowered. Empowerment gives us the authority to take control of our lives and to act on our own authority. Let’s just face it. Life isn’t always fair. It never will be. My yoga teacher would say, “You can take a bad day and make it worse. You can take a bad day and make it better. You can take a good day and make it worse. You can take a good day and make it better.” It really is ultimately up to us to take the step to move forward, move on, move up.

We can also see it as a wake up call. The person or circumstance is actually doing us a favor. We can grow and learn from our experiences. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. We can also do our best to not recreate situations that may have contributed to an unhealthy environment. I know this is easier said than done; but in the long run, it feels so much better to live with love not hate. Anger only hurts us. The faster I can release negativity and remind myself everyone is doing what they can with what they know, the happier I am. Happiness is an inside job; and blame has no place where happiness lives. Happiness is also living in the moment. Fault is past tense where empowerment and responsibility are present tense. We are responsible for choosing a joyful outlook and for creating our own peace.

Lastly, let others blame you as much as they want to. It is a great insight as to how much further they need to go. You, on the other hand, have already arrived.